As romance writers, we’re in the business of describing
couples in love, be it a new love or the loving relationship of a long time
couple. The goal is to capture it
without being forced to spell it out, using details or observations that enable
the reader to figure it out for herself.
It’s not an easy job, but it’s fun to try and put that wonderment into
words.
In some ways it’s one of those “you’ll know it when you see
it,” things, but that doesn’t help when you’re trying to put it on paper. We want the reader to identify that “look”
without having to tell them. I don’t
think it’s as difficult to describe with a couple newly in love. We watch as they take turns stopping in
mid-sentence to make sure the other is in agreement and/or they haven’t
interrupted. When one speaks, the other
gives the speaker the space and the full attention she or he needs to
shine. There’s lot’s of “we” in their
conversation and a kind of giddy behavior as if they have a secret that they
can’t reveal. And even when you’re with
only one of the pair, that person is glowing and figures out numerous ways to
say the other’s name.
It’s not nearly as easy to describe with a long time couple.
This couple knows each other well. They
are used to each other. Needless to say, the excitement has pretty much gone
from the relationship so we have to look more carefully. We probably aren’t
going to see “giddy.” Intellectually we know that if we find love it will be a
deeper and more mature, but in reality it’s not as “pretty” to see and it isn’t
always easy to spot.
There could be signs such as one spouse’s concern about the
other’s health, but that could just as easily be because the one concerned
doesn’t want to be the survivor and be left alone if the other dies. On the other hand, what if one spouse isn’t
listening to the other, does that mean the non-listener doesn’t care? Or is it
just a bad habit and not definitive.
An unhappily married couple is easier to paint. There’s the inattentiveness, or worse, the
scowl or smirk when the other speaks. It
could be the vacant expression in the eyes of one or both when they’re
together, as if they’re mentally off somewhere waiting for the ordeal to be
over. Sometimes it’s just an obvious
mental absence or focus, as if they honestly forget that the other is supposed
to be part of their universe.
But when writing about an older couple who are still in
love, how do we do it? Do we have her laugh at his jokes? Have them hold hands while they watch TV? Or
is it that they clearly take pleasure in each other’s company be it on their
regular Saturday night date or trip to the grocery store when one unnecessarily
goes along to keep the other company?
If we have them fighting or criticizing each other is that a
problem? Or is the true test the silent communication that we might see if
we’re really looking. The recognition
that one has of the other’s vulnerability and then the quick response so the
spouse isn’t out there alone. A deft
save when one has stepped her foot in it with an outsider. A phone call made to save the other from
embarrassment. You can picture all these scenarios. The question is, are any of them it?
Will seeing him make the call to fix the awkward incident that she created,
or her hurrying out to join him for a trip to the grocery store clinch it? Or is it a matter of piecing these scenes
together along with the occasional fight, criticism and concern to paint a
convincing picture of a long time love.
Deborah Nolan is the author of Suddenly Lily and Conflict of
Interest, both published by Montlake and Second Act for Carrie Armstrong, published by Desert Breeze
Publishing.
Ah, older love. My parents were "in love" for all of their 60+ years together ... wore matching jackets, held hands every day, and when they smiled at each other, there were honest to goodness twinkles in their eyes. I enjoyed the post, Deborah!
ReplyDeleteMatching jackets! wow. I never thought of that. Very sweet. But I think the kicker is the twinkle in their eyes when they smiled at one another. Nice for you to have that example.
DeleteMy parents always held hand when they walked. My husband and I do the same.
ReplyDeleteI agree it is often hard to describe the good old-fashioned happy together forever love that has been in place for years. But the kiss good morning, the "love you" at the end of the phone call, or bringing home her favorite chocolate chip muffin picked up on the way home from work tells it all.
What an absolutely charming post, Deborah. I agree that, hard as it is to describe, when we see that kind of "forever" love, we know it. It's in the little nuances - beyond mere words - and I don't say "mere words" lightly. I have a great respect for words.
ReplyDeleteThank you! those little nuances are a challenge to describe. But I guess that's one of the interesting things about being a writer--becoming more observant.
DeleteIn my body language workshop, I do a segment on this stage of love, which is called "compassionate love." Couples in "compassionate love" live longer, stay healthier, and are generally happier people than those who bounce from one relationship to another. That's the Happily Ever After we all seek.
ReplyDeleteLovely post, Deborah, and something that doesn't get talked about as much. It's so much easier to describe the whirlwind infatuation that sometimes deepens into real love than to get into a more mature relationship that may be deeper and quieter but stronger for it.
ReplyDeleteThank you. As you say, the initial infatuation is a lot easier to describe.
DeleteHi Deborah--
ReplyDeleteInteresting post. So far I haven't written about a couple in this stage of love so I didn't realize what a challenge it might be. But now that you mention it... I see that it it is very different to write.
Victoria--