Never Write Your Bio While You're Intoxicated

by Victoria M. Johnson

Have you ever attended a party, enjoyed the food, beverages, and company of others, only to get home late and remember you have a bio due that night?  This happened to me after attending a festive bachelorette party.  My bio had to be updated and it had to be sent that night.  I had no choice.  I ran the obvious risks of typos and writing nonsensical gibberish.  And you know what they say about loose lips and Freudian slips.  So I was extra careful.  And I was glad I had turned down one more glass of "extra fruity" punch.  Yet, as I read and rewrote some lines it occurred to me what a bio could become and what trouble a writer could get into with it.

Take a look at seven perils of writing your bio while inebriated:

You might curse:

Not exactly a flattering item to have in your bio, unless of course your books feature characters that curse and your readers clamor for more.

You might reveal a secret:

This is the final book in the series because I'm moving to a new publisher.  Or, this imprint is being phased out and I'm one of the lucky authors who'll write for the new line.  (Not when the editors discover you spilled the beans).

Self doubts might slip out:

I don't have any ideas left.  I'll never be able to sell another book.  Those troll reviewers are right. Why would anyone want to buy my books?

In looking at your bio you might decide you aren't where you thought you'd be in your career:

I would have won that award if Suzy R. hadn't won with her lame book about Vikings that only ten people read.

If you have a day job you don't like, and stare at it in your bio, you might quit right then and there--in your bio.

You might embellish, you are a creative writer after all:  

I'm like Stephen King, Nora Roberts, and J.K. Rowling all rolled into one!

You might be too honest:

I hate my agent.

Instead of your usual well-crafted, professional and impressive bio, you send this:

My book was a finalist for Best Romance of the Year, but Suzy R. won.  My stupid publisher refused to take out ads for my book, but they did for Suzy!  And my cowardly agent didn't have the gahunas to speak up.  It's no wonder his wife is having an affair with his colleague.  For five years I am was a receptionist for the stingiest software company in all of Silicon Valley.  I've had it with their low pay and flimsy benefits.  I quit!  I am better at public speaking anyway.  If you haven't taken one of my writing workshops you have s**t for brains.  My classes are always full and students say I am the best instructor.  Visit my website for details!

A public bio like this would surely change your career.  But that's not the worst that could happen. Instead of sending it to the one requester of your bio, you could unintentionally send it to everyone in your email contact list (including your press release contacts).  And that's not even the worst that could happen.  The worst possible thing for a writer to do is to write the most brilliant, unique, modest bio on the planet, and accidentally hit the delete button before saving.

As you can see, writing your bio while intoxicated is hazardous to your well-being.  Don't let this happen to you.  Write it before you need it, before you go to the party.  Give it some thought.  Remember, it will be findable online forever.  

Victoria M. Johnson knew by the time she was ten that she wanted to be a writer.  She loves telling stories and she's happiest when creating new characters and new plots.  Avalon Books and Montlake Romance published Victoria's fiction debut, The Doctor’s Dilemma, (A 2012 Bookseller’s Best double finalist).  Her other fiction book is a collection of romance short stories titled, The Substitute Bride, and a novella, Hot Hawaiian Christmas. She is also the writer and director of four short films and two micro documentaries.   Visit Victoria at http://VictoriaMJohnson.com for inspiration and tips and find her Amazon author page or connect with her on Facebook, Pinterest and Twitter.

Ménage à trois for Writers

by Victoria M. Johnson

I know what you're thinking and this isn't that kind of post.  But writers are sometimes known for waking up one night and realizing they've been caught with their pants down.  This post will help ensure that you keep your pants on and your head straight.  I'm talking about a healthy three-way relationship with the writer and two important people in her career.  Some writers have more than two others who are guiding, developing, and championing her work.  But I'm focusing on the writer-editor-agent triangle.  It can get tricky at times and writers may need to crack the whip once in awhile--an imaginary whip--just a figure of speech, folks.  Here are seven reminders to help you stay on coarse:

In a threesome everyone has a role.

Your role is to write.  Your editor's role lies mainly in editing.  Sadly most editors have taken on multiple tasks in areas such as scheduling, production, and sales.  Your agent's role is to sell your work and give you guidance on contracts, negotiations, and staying up-to-date with editors and publishing houses wants and opportunities.  Focus on your role but stay in touch with your editor and agent.  Keep the lines of communication open.  And remember your agent works for you.

All three of you want the same thing.

That thing is for you and your books to be a success.  Sometimes it might feel like one or the other partner has a different priority and the discussion (and decision) needs to come back to this common goal. 

Sometimes not everyone is satisfied.

All three of you are professionals and should always be treated with respect.  It's okay to disagree.  It's okay to not get your way every time.  It's okay to speak up on things that really matter to you.  It's not okay to be a pain in the butt to work with.  It's never okay to be disrespectful.

You have more control than you think you do.

You have a say in many aspects of the publishing process, including contracts, book covers, titles, scheduling, and revisions.  Some houses give authors less input than others; and some give authors no choice in these matters.  In cases where you have less control than you'd like: stay calm, think things through, and make the best decisions for your career.

The time to run a google search on someone is before you hop into bed with them--this applies to agents and publishing houses, too.

Your agent selection can help make or break your career.  Choose wisely.  Pick one with a good reputation, with clients whose books they've sold, and who doesn't have complaints against them.  While you may not have a choice what editor you're assigned to, or the one you love may move on, you have a choice what publisher you submit your work to. 

Sometimes you have to do unpleasant things.

Among the worst chores a writer has to do is fire an agent.  But it's hardly ever good to stay in a bad relationship.  Check your contract for the legal way to sever the bond.  Be aware of the ties that still bind you to that agent.  Likewise, you may decide it's best to leave your publishing house.  Again your contract (and your agent) will guide you.

Delight in the bliss.

Everything going great in your ménage à trois?  Congratulations.  Relationships take time, trust, and mutual respect to work long-term.  It's especially rewarding when you all take pleasure in and benefit from the three-way liaison.

Victoria M. Johnson knew by the time she was ten that she wanted to be a writer.  She loves telling stories and she's happiest when creating new characters and new plots.  Avalon Books and Montlake Romance published Victoria's fiction debut, The Doctor’s Dilemma, (A 2012 Bookseller’s Best double finalist).  Her other fiction book is a collection of romance short stories titled, The Substitute Bride. She is also the writer and director of four short films and two micro documentaries.   Visit Victoria's website at http://VictoriaMJohnson.com for inspiration and tips and find her Amazon author page or connect with her on Pinterest and Twitter.