Save Your Marriage Using Romance Novels

by Victoria M. Johnson

I have been an avid reader of romance novels for years and years.  I suppose you could say that I'm addicted to happy endings.  I have my favorite authors and subgenres of course, but it's always a pleasure discovering new authors and new tips for keeping romance alive.

Tips?  What kind of tips, you ask.

Well, one day I began noticing that authors, through their characters in romance novels, were revealing great relationship tips.  You can also call them advice or guidelines for a happy life.  Actually, once I started looking for these gems, I found dozens.  So many, in fact, that I wrote a motivational nonfiction book to share and celebrate the wisdom found in romances.

Below are snippets from three chapters of that book, All I Need to Know in Life I Learned From Romance Novels. These small excerpts are examples of truths I found on finding and keeping romance alive and well.

If you don't treat your partner right, someone else will

There are three rules for writing a successful romance novel: Focus on the relationship. Focus on the relationship. Focus on the relationship. I think it’s a great motto for marriage, too. With all the deadbeats out there, a good man will be snatched up by another woman before you have time to change the sheets.  Good men truly are hard to find.  If you have a good one, don't take him for granted.  There are women out there who want to steal your man away from you. They are conniving and plotting at this moment.  We’ve seen it, read about it, maybe experienced it; we know that it happens.  So what can we do to protect our unsuspecting men from the clutches of these enticing predators? What do our heroines do?

They put their highest effort into what matters to them.  The heroine does not act half-heartedly in anything.  This includes interactions with the hero.  The hero and heroine are always in touch.  The developing relationship is meaningful to them.  Let your mate know how important your relationship is to you.  And consider another writing maxim: show, don’t tell.

Whining isn't attractive

Whining annihilates romantic interest faster than finding a mouse in your bed.  People don’t appreciate listening to a whiner. And why should they? Everyone has problems. Whining is unromantic, unheroic, and downright useless. You’ll never hear a heroine whine. She may protest or point out negatives, but her challenge gets results, inspires action. No matter the heavy load she carries, she perseveres. As for the hero, you’ll never hear a real man snivel.  He may argue or be bullheaded, of course.  His riled conduct gets his point across, persuades.  No matter how down on his luck the hero is, he maintains his dignity.  Whatever they have been through, the hero and heroine don’t feel sorry for themselves.  They do something to change their circumstances.

Never trust anything a woman who has her eye on your man tells you

Distrust is like lava pouring out of a volcano, as it destroys everything it encounters.  Reading about it is much better than living it.  Though, sometimes, in spite of how much we trust someone, the evidence does incriminate him.  How do we forestall evil forces from entering our lives? Here are suggestions derived from romance novel heroines.

First, look at the motives of the person who casually mentions unpleasant “facts” about your partner.  Ask yourself, what does she have to gain?  Why is she telling you this; is it to inform, hurt, or warn?  Second, ignore the messenger’s advice and follow your own instincts.  Third, look at the situation from all sides, particularly your mate’s.  Maybe the hussy exaggerated.  Fourth, talk to him, if warranted.

The book (originally published in hardcover, now only available as an ebook) has 29 chapters of intriguing observations.  Other chapters for living a fulfilling romantic life include: If you stand around waiting for a man, you'll be alone for a long time; Attitude makes all the difference; Communication is the key to a healthy relationship; and The secret to hot sex is trust.

All I Need to Know in Life I Learned FromRomance Novels is the perfect companion for romance novel loyalists.  In it you'll discover how to apply the wisdom of romance novels in your own life.  Whether you're happily single, very married, or looking for someone special, I think you'll learn something beneficial while being entertained.  I wish you all a romantic Valentine's Day and I truly hope you find your own happy ending. 

Victoria M. Johnson knew by the time she was ten that she wanted to be a writer.  She loves telling stories and she's happiest when creating new characters and new plots.  Avalon Books and Montlake Romance published Victoria's fiction debut, The Doctor’s Dilemma, (A 2012 Bookseller’s Best double finalist).  Her other fiction book is a collection of romance short stories titled, The Substitute Bride and a novella, Hot Hawaiian Christmas. She is also the writer and director of four short films and two micro documentaries.   Visit Victoria's website at http://VictoriaMJohnson.com for inspiration and tips and find her Amazon author page or connect with her on Pinterest and Twitter.

What Is It About Weddings?

by Janis Susan May/Janis Patterson

September is our wedding month this year. No, I don’t mean The Husband and I are getting married (we did that almost fifteen wonderful years ago) or that it’s our anniversary, which is in the spring. No, this month is when two of our friends each decided to marry and, as they are dear friends indeed, we are going to the weddings.

Which sounds a lot easier than it actually is. The first is in Boston, which is a looong way from Texas. The second happens on the very next weekend in Alabama, which is also a looong way from Texas. Now you know I love to travel, but I really do like to be able to draw breath between trips! We’ll be home for one day between Boston and Alabama – barely enough time to do laundry and re-pack, as each ceremony will need a different style of wardrobe. We’re flying to Boston and I’m not looking forward to it; flying just isn’t any fun anymore, as I truly dislike being treated like a piece of not-too-intelligent nor valued cargo. We’re driving to Alabama, having rediscovered the pleasures of automobile trips by driving to Denver in June for my appearance at the Historical Novel Society.

But we’re going to both weddings happily, which made me think about what weddings mean. Mainly, I believe, it is because a wedding is a joyous occasion. Two people are promising each other and vowing to God that they will live the rest of their lives together. Yes, I know about the divorce rate and all the uglinesses that can happen, but humans are creatures of hope, therefore weddings are the essence of new starts. The days of the forced marriage are happily over (save in some of our novels, and even those usually work out happily in the end) and to see two people pledge themselves to each other is in its own way a symbol of renewal even in our own lives.

In most romance novels the culminatory wedding – or the promise of the same – is the climax, where the happily-ever-after begins. I have always thought that was a disservice to the idea of romance, symbolizing that the romance ends at the wedding, that magically everything will be sunlight and roses from that moment on. I believe the wedding is where the romance really starts. Falling in love is a magical thing, the blending of two disparate people into a loving couple, but the real magic happens after the wedding, when this couple must live in the world of reality.

I know, reality is what most readers want to escape from when they choose a book, but the best stories are the ones that have some grounding in real-world situations, albeit frosted with the gloss of fantasy. It’s easy to be romantic when everyone is dressed in beautiful clothes and the world is full of rosebuds and sunshine, where the worst that can happen is their lovely picnic is rained out. Now don’t get huffy with me – I know it’s the style in modern romance novels to throw everything at the hero and heroine from spies to pregnancy to abuse to looming apocalypse, but those are just macrocosms of the courtship meme. In real life you get unsympathetic family members, financial problems, differences in background and all other kinds of obstacles. In romance they are replaced with murderers and other figures/problems/obstacles. They’re symbols. At least, I hope so.

After the wedding reality truly does come home – money and pregnancy and jobs and crying children and moves and possible infidelity – all the nasties which flesh is heir to. Keeping romance alive under those situations is difficult, both in fiction and in real life. Is marriage really worth it?

Of course it is. A good marriage is the Holy Grail of relationships, the Valhalla of commitment. It’s why the majority of romance novels lead toward a wedding as the culmination of the story. They just don’t tell you that’s where the real love story begins.

Advice for Newlyweds From an Oldly-Wed

by Gina Ardito

This past weekend, I attended my godson's wedding. There were some lovely moments, touching toasts, and scads of applause for these two young people starting their lives together. What I didn't see or hear was anything worthwhile these newlyweds could carry into their future days. And so, here I am, pushy Aunt Gina, providing the words of wisdom I think these kids in love will need from someone who's been there.

1. Laugh. Not just when things are going right, but more importantly, when things are going wrong. Your Uncle Phil and I have taken photos of the auto mechanics who've fixed our car when we had trouble enroute to vacation spots (and yes, they're in our photo albums so we can still laugh about those incidents). We find humor in the long wait for doctors' appointments, traffic jams, doing the bills together, filing our taxes. Laughter eases stress, lowers blood pressure, and releases pleasure endorphins. Get in the habit of finding the humor in minor inconveniences now, and you'll be prepared for the more serious stress-filled moments later.

2. Touch. Hold hands, rub each other's shoulders, run a finger up and down your partner's arm. And not only as a prelude to sex. Touch when there's nothing else involved but touching. Touch while in a crowded room, in the car, while grocery shopping. Play footsie under the table during dinner in the middle of the week. Touching releases oxytocin, a happy chemical in our bodies.

3. Celebrate. Focus on good things, no matter how small. Compliment each other often--not on looks, but on qualities, actions, and how your partner makes you feel. It takes at least five compliments to appease the hurt of one careless remark. Reinforce the good at all times. 

4. Listen. Talk often, but more importantly, listen to each other. Put down the cellphone, turn off the television and have real, meaningful conversation where you focus solely on each other.

5. Say, "I love you." I know it sounds like a no-brainer, but your goal is to say it at least five times a day. Remember that five compliments thing I mentioned?  And the oxytocin and happy endorphins? Saying "I love you" releases oxytocin and happy endorphins. Saying it five times enforces the feeling when you're not together.

6. Think good things about your partner when you're apart. This way, you'll be eager to see each other again.

7. It's okay to go to bed angry. Sometimes, emotion clouds our judgment and you're both ready to see the compromise after a temporary cease-fire.

8. Share. Share your feelings, share the workload, share secrets, share yourselves.

9. Equal isn't always equal. Often, one partner will give more than the other to the relationship. As long as this giving fluctuates so it's not always one partner giving more than the other, this is actually quite fair.

10. Share common activities but also do things separately. Couples need outside interests to keep themselves from stagnating. Allow your partner to grow to enhance your relationship.

Congratulations, you two! May you rejoice in your happiness, weather your storms, and find a lifetime of love.

MY FACEBOOK DREAM DATE

by Sierra Donovan
 

I had to email my husband (on his own computer, in the next room) with the bad news: it's over between us.

Don't judge me. You'll understand when you read this powerful, compelling message of seduction from a new, male Facebook friend.

Thanks so very much for accepting my friend request .actually, I was browsing through my profile when I came across your beautiful profile page, Anyway there was no way I could just flip pass your page when I saw how astonishing beautiful you look, I must say Your beauty beats the imagination of almost all men in their fantasy world Lol. .Well I'm here to make friends or something more, and I think you're cool with your profile .. I'm a widowed man with a lonely heart, I will like to get to know you more if you don't mind ..may the good lord bless you and your family hope to hear from you soon

All grammar and punctuation have been preserved to capture the message in its simple beauty. Finally, a man who “gets it.”

My husband, on the other hand, was disturbingly cavalier. His response to me, minutes later:

If he's a banker from Nigeria, GO FOR IT!

Surely now you know why I'd chuck it all for this last chance at true happiness.

In fact, my husband's flippant remark got my wheels turning. What if my new dream date IS a rich banker from Nigeria in disguise? For all his eloquence, his English is a bit flawed. Maybe this is a test. He wants to make sure I love him for who he is, not what he has, before he whips out his big bank book.

Of course, if I want to take him up on his offer, I'd better act quick. There's no telling how many other potential true loves he's already contacted -- or how many of them will leap to respond!

I'll Marry You...Someday

     When asked to share the story of how my husband proposed, I always answer, “Repeatedly.”

     We were barely kids when we met, 17 and 18 and on the college campus for the first time, each of us scheduled to see the same academic adviser during orientation week. Our appointments were ten minutes apart and scheduled right after lunch. The adviser, perhaps for the only time in his life, was late in arriving and the rest is family history.

     Roger, now my husband of 44 years, made up his mind quickly. I was a bit tougher to persuade. Although I knew how much I cared about him, I was unsure of myself. Was I old enough to be thinking of marriage? I had barely begun dating. I was also unsure of us. Neither of us had ever lived away from home; what did we know about running a household?

     The first time he said, “Marry me,” I said, “Maybe someday” and that was my answer for most of a year. In October of our sophomore year when I said yes, it took a moment for the answer to register. Each of us had begun to believe in the other and in the possibility of “forming a more perfect union,” but we both found the prospect intimidating.

     We were married the following June when I was 19 and he was a month short of his twentieth birthday. His father had to sign a permission slip for us to get our license.

     Do I recommend teen marriage? Not on your life. We made it work and we’re happy with the outcome, but I won’t pretend it was easy. Determined to complete our education, we graduated on the same day. There’s a picture of the two of us in our caps and gowns, a toddler on his lap and a baby bump on mine.

     I eventually went on to earn a graduate degree. We both established careers while at the same time building our family. It worked. Still, when our eighteen-year-old high school senior eldest came to us with the announcement that he and his girlfriend were planning to marry the month after he graduated, we did our best to discourage them. We knew what an uphill battle they were facing. 
     We joke that we raised each other, but it isn't really a joke. Though there were rough times, our bond was real and our commitment solid. One day a few years ago, I was at lunch with girlfriends, both of whom were speaking of "my second husband" or "my third marriage." I told them I had also had three marriages but only one husband; we keep renewing our contract as our lives change.

     This July, our eldest and his bride will celebrate their Silver Anniversary two months after their eldest, at the age of twenty-three, is married to his own young sweetheart. It seems young marriages run in our family and, so far, they’re run very well.
     Maybe we've been lucky. Maybe we've been well tutored; Golden Weddings run in both our families. No, I wouldn't recommend young marriage, but for the right couples, they can be some of the sweetest of all. 

Susan Aylworth is the author of 13 published novels and has part in three boxed sets, all 16 titles available now. Mother to seven, she is "gramma" to 23. She lives in northern California with Roger, her husband of 44 years, and the two spoiled cats they serve. She loves hearing from readers at  www.susanaylworth.com, @SusanAylworth or susan.aylworth.author@gmail.com. You can also follow her on Pinterest and Instagram.

Ah! Weddings.

By

Sandra Wilkins

            The bride is blushing underneath her long filmy veil.  A bouquet of fragrant roses and baby’s breath tremors in her hands as she takes her father’s arm, and tentatively steps down the aisle to the romantic melody of Wagner’s “Bridal Chorus”.  Lovingly, she gazes at the confident, handsome groom as he awaits her arrival to be at her side forever…

            Ah!   Weddings.  They evoke thoughts of beauty for some and maybe angst for others—depending on your point of view.  Some young women go to extremes to have the “perfect” day.  Even to the extent of becoming a “bridezilla” and spending a fortune on that “hallowed” occasion.  Being the extremely practical person I am, I didn’t particularly want all that fuss and fluff when I got married twenty-something years ago.  In the age of big hair and shoulder pads I was going to be a rebel.    

            Simplicity was the key for me.  It began with the gown.  No fancy, frilly concoctions for me.  I wanted a restrained Edwardian style frock.  My mom helped me find a pattern and the creamy off-white material and then my great aunt Dorothy graciously made the dress for me.  I’ll treasure it always. 

            Next were the flowers.  Not one for expensive things, I opted for silk flowers and made the bouquet and boutonnieres myself.  The bouquet is still as pretty today.  My dad’s cousin played the wedding march, my aunt took the photographs, a neighbor made the elegant three-tiered wedding cake (with the topper from my parent’s cake) and my mom made the chocolate grooms cake. 

            It was a personal ceremony in our small church.  All of my grandparents and one great grandmother were still alive to witness the occasion.  The most special part for me was visiting with the friends and family who attended the modest reception.  Simplicity isn’t for everyone, so I’m curious—what kind of wedding did you have? 

     Sandra Wilkins is busy writing another series while home educating her two daughters.  Ada’s Heart, Rose’s Hope and Gwen’s Honor are her first three published wholesome historical romances.  Go to www.sandrawilkins.com to find out more about her and her books. 

  

True Romance - The Beginning of My Love Story

by Janis Susan May/Janis Patterson

Ah. Valentine’s Day – a day to celebrate love and romance. It’s been made a little cynical and commercial by the marketers of cards, candy, flowers and jewelry, but at heart it’s still a day to celebrate Romance with a capital R. By the way, am I the only one offended by the jewelry store commercials for all gift-giving seasons that imply if he gives you jewelry you should love him? I love jewelry and spend a lot of time wearing enough bling for a Christmas tree, but the idea that jewelry = love just doesn’t work for me.

Back to the subject. Romance. The (future) Husband and I had been dating about six weeks. He is a high-ranking military officer (now retired, thank goodness!) and an extremely reticent man. Reticent in that he doesn’t talk much at all or (then) didn’t believe in any public expression of affection, even to holding hands. When we crossed a street he would take my hand, then drop it like a hot potato once we were on the other side. (Thankfully that has all changed. Now we happily kiss in public, even while shopping for groceries.)

I had decided long ago that I wasn’t ever going to marry. I had been having too much fun being single, even to the extent of being engaged to three different men who lived on three different continents – all at the same time. Goodness, that was a fun year! Anyway, when The Husband-to-be and I started dating I was fifty and set in my ways. He was a number of years younger and had been divorced for twenty-some-odd years. Total rebachelorfication.

Anyway, it was Valentine’s Day and his gift to both of us was tickets to the Garth Brooks concert. You couldn’t buy specific seats – you bought admission and were assigned seats. The concert was in a local sports arena that held enough people to rival the population of a small European country, and it was packed – so totally sold out that Garth agreed to do another concert in the same venue and it sold out too. Our seats were up in the gods, about half a dozen rows from the roof. I had never been to a C&W concert before (my tastes are classical) and didn’t know any of the songs. It was a rude awakening. Garth would hit a chord, start to sing and after about three notes the audience would start screaming and yelling until the song was over, so you couldn’t hear anything. I had to listen to C&W on the radio for weeks afterward to hear what I had ‘heard’ at the concert.

Except for one song. When Garth sang the romantic ballad “If Tomorrow Never Comes – Will She Know How Much I Loved Her?” the audience was totally silent. All of us in the audience were standing – and most of us had been dancing in place to some of the livelier tunes – but in that huge arena you could almost hear a pin drop. Suddenly in the middle of the song The future Husband turned around, put his arms around me and gave me a passionate Technicolor MGM romantic-fade out kiss. (Remember, this is a man who didn’t even like to hold hands in public!) He didn’t quite bend me over backwards, but he might as well have. It was as romantic a kiss as I had ever had to then and for a moment – in our section, at least – we were getting as much attention as the show. About mid-way through this inspired osculation I decided that I wanted to marry this man.

Well, I would have married him the next day, but nothing is that easy. It took him three years to pop the question, but when he finally did get around to it, he did it with memorable panache – under a three-quarter moon in the beautiful English-style gardens of the Mena Hotel, a 5 star hostelry that started life as a khedive’s love nest/hunting lodge in Giza, across the street from the Pyramids. Yes, THOSE Pyramids.

I was a first time bride at 54, a move that many said was absolute insanity, that two strong-willed people used to living alone would tear each other apart. They were wrong. Ours is a blessed union, and he has never stopped doing romantic things. (I do for him, too, but that’s the subject of another blog.) Most of them are small, intimate things that matter only to us, but on occasion he goes over the top. For my birthday a couple of years ago he surprised me with a BMW X3 in my favorite blue. On our tenth wedding anniversary he took me to Paris (yes, THAT Paris) for a week. When he returned from his first deployment (an entire year!) to Iraq, he brought me a 23K gold, exquisitely carved bangle bracelet. No, jewelry does not equate love, but if you are already sure of the love, the jewelry is very nice.

True romance is the best, and it’s worth waiting for the right man. If we have any regrets, it’s that we didn’t meet twenty five years earlier, so that we could have had that many more years with each other. By the way, we do everything together. I go with him to his rocket and gem-and-mineral society meetings. He goes to my writers’ meetings (and a lot of conventions, too) with me. Life together is pleasure expanded exponentially. And that, my friends, is true romance.

To Bring or Not to Bring (Your Spouse)

by Gina Ardito

Last week was my local writing group's annual holiday party, and I had a blast, as I always do at these events. But as I drove home alone (as I always do), it struck me that though spouses and guests were invited, few significant others attended. Oh, sure there were some. About half a dozen or so. But most of us came alone. And I noticed that even those who had brought partners in the past to previous events came alone this time. When it comes to bringing spouses, writers tend to be a "one and out" phenomenon.

Over the dozen years I've been involved in different writing events, I can count on one hand the amount of times my husband has accompanied me. At one time, it might have bothered me. I might have wondered why he didn't seem to support me openly by coming along. But I've come to realize something over the years. 

We writers scare people. Hard to believe, isn't it? I mean, as a species, you really couldn't find a less aggressive group. Interview us and you'll find that 90% of us were the nerds in school, the quiet ones in the corner, the observers. We're not normally known for striking fear into the hearts of anyone.

But writing get-togethers for non-writers are like Sci-Fi Conventions for people who've never seen Star Trek. We're total geeks to the nth power when surrounded by fellow writers.

In the writing world, you're either Team Shakespeare or Team Bacon. (And only those in the writing world will understand that analogy.)

Oh, sure, we try to be inclusive. We talk about pop culture: movies, music, and television shows. But when we do, we focus on the characterization, or the story arc, or the brilliant writing. If we mention the hunky actor or lead singer, it's because of the emotional range he displayed, or because he's the perfect model for our current protagonist. We use acronyms like POV and GMC.

Bring up a bestselling author, and we'll discuss the least known book on his/her backlist in great detail because it will be our favorite. And we'll all cite the same scenes as particularly noteworthy or utter failures. We'll use terms that mean nothing to anyone who only reads when on vacation and always chooses the current hot best seller.

When writers talk about a recent trip to some European country, we wax poetic about the archaic facts we learned and not the sights we photographed or the beaches where we tanned our fannies. 

We share amusing anecdotes overheard in coffee shops and hospital waiting rooms because we know they'll someday make a "great scene."

Our standard ice-breaker in conversation is, "So, what are you currently working on?"

We play trivia and games that require you to come up with a word in the English language that has a double u in less than 5 seconds. 

For the non-writer in this scenario, one of us can be tough enough to deal with. But to be locked in a room for several hours with forty or fifty of us? Or more? That's a challenge even the most loving spouse can't rise to on a regular basis.

And honestly? For most of us, it's a good thing to be on our own in these situations. We're with our people, our fellow introverts and observers. The pressure is off. We don't have to worry if our significant other is having a good time. 

We can shout out, "vacuum!" or "continuum!" or "muumuu!" to that double u question and have a group of people look at us with admiration instead of hearing, "It's bizarre that you know that." 

When we complain that our protagonist refuses to follow the plot the way we planned, we receive nods and encouraging advice instead of eye rolls or blank stares.

We can talk to the bartender about his day job as an EMT for over an hour, knowing it's actually research and not worry someone might mistake it for flirtation.

We can sit in the corner and jot notes on napkins--and no one thinks we're odd or anti-social. In fact, we'll probably have to wait our turn to find a chair in the corner!

So, if you've got a partner who does accompany you on a regular basis, be sure to acknowledge the tremendous sacrifice he/she is making for you--and not just with a dedication in your next novel. Take your head out of your laptop every once in a while to say, "thanks" and "I love you" and "wow, you look great" and "when did we change the color of the walls?" and "how'd I get so lucky?" Because you did.

But if your partner doesn't come with you to these social engagements, at least wait until you're out of sight and earshot before you give that fist pump and say, "Thank God."

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

The Hubster and I have been married 27+ years. Not the longest stretch for any couple I know, not the shortest. We've had good times and bad times, survived sickness and health, tragedy and sublime happiness. We work every day to build our Happily Ever After. It doesn't come naturally or easily. I often joke we've stuck together so long because we're both too stubborn to give up.

But, in reality, it's a lot more complicated than that. As anyone married a long time will tell you, wedded bliss takes a lot of hard work.

One of the things that we work hardest to maintain at all times is our respect for one another. This thought struck me recently when I saw a meme on Facebook about how romance fans who want "realism" in their romances should remember how their husbands fart and pull the covers over their wives' heads, shouting "Dutch oven!"

Umm...nope. Never. My husband wouldn't dream of doing something like that to me. Why? Because, in my eyes, that's not how a real man treats the woman he loves--even as a joke. Yes, we tease each other. We poke fun. But there are boundaries we established while dating and in the early years of our marriage that we still don't cross.   

In the thirty years we've been together, I've never asked him to hold my purse in public or made him buy me tampons; we still close the bathroom door against each other. Yes, he saw me give birth to our two children, but that doesn't mean he needs a constant daily view of my digestive system. There may come a time when one of us loses control of our faculties and the other will have to take over those more personal needs. And if that time comes, we'll be there. But in the meantime, as long as we haven't reached that fork-in-the-road yet, we'll honor certain lines we agreed, long ago, we wouldn't cross.

Am I saying if your husband plays the "Dutch oven" game with you, your marriage is doomed? Or if you put tampons on his shopping list, you're headed for divorce court? Of course not. Hubster and I set our expectations in motion a long time ago, and we care enough about each other to still respect those expectations. 

Respect. That's why he's still my hero, and I hope I'll always be his ideal heroine.