What Is It About Weddings?

by Janis Susan May/Janis Patterson

September is our wedding month this year. No, I don’t mean The Husband and I are getting married (we did that almost fifteen wonderful years ago) or that it’s our anniversary, which is in the spring. No, this month is when two of our friends each decided to marry and, as they are dear friends indeed, we are going to the weddings.

Which sounds a lot easier than it actually is. The first is in Boston, which is a looong way from Texas. The second happens on the very next weekend in Alabama, which is also a looong way from Texas. Now you know I love to travel, but I really do like to be able to draw breath between trips! We’ll be home for one day between Boston and Alabama – barely enough time to do laundry and re-pack, as each ceremony will need a different style of wardrobe. We’re flying to Boston and I’m not looking forward to it; flying just isn’t any fun anymore, as I truly dislike being treated like a piece of not-too-intelligent nor valued cargo. We’re driving to Alabama, having rediscovered the pleasures of automobile trips by driving to Denver in June for my appearance at the Historical Novel Society.

But we’re going to both weddings happily, which made me think about what weddings mean. Mainly, I believe, it is because a wedding is a joyous occasion. Two people are promising each other and vowing to God that they will live the rest of their lives together. Yes, I know about the divorce rate and all the uglinesses that can happen, but humans are creatures of hope, therefore weddings are the essence of new starts. The days of the forced marriage are happily over (save in some of our novels, and even those usually work out happily in the end) and to see two people pledge themselves to each other is in its own way a symbol of renewal even in our own lives.

In most romance novels the culminatory wedding – or the promise of the same – is the climax, where the happily-ever-after begins. I have always thought that was a disservice to the idea of romance, symbolizing that the romance ends at the wedding, that magically everything will be sunlight and roses from that moment on. I believe the wedding is where the romance really starts. Falling in love is a magical thing, the blending of two disparate people into a loving couple, but the real magic happens after the wedding, when this couple must live in the world of reality.

I know, reality is what most readers want to escape from when they choose a book, but the best stories are the ones that have some grounding in real-world situations, albeit frosted with the gloss of fantasy. It’s easy to be romantic when everyone is dressed in beautiful clothes and the world is full of rosebuds and sunshine, where the worst that can happen is their lovely picnic is rained out. Now don’t get huffy with me – I know it’s the style in modern romance novels to throw everything at the hero and heroine from spies to pregnancy to abuse to looming apocalypse, but those are just macrocosms of the courtship meme. In real life you get unsympathetic family members, financial problems, differences in background and all other kinds of obstacles. In romance they are replaced with murderers and other figures/problems/obstacles. They’re symbols. At least, I hope so.

After the wedding reality truly does come home – money and pregnancy and jobs and crying children and moves and possible infidelity – all the nasties which flesh is heir to. Keeping romance alive under those situations is difficult, both in fiction and in real life. Is marriage really worth it?

Of course it is. A good marriage is the Holy Grail of relationships, the Valhalla of commitment. It’s why the majority of romance novels lead toward a wedding as the culmination of the story. They just don’t tell you that’s where the real love story begins.

Advice for Newlyweds From an Oldly-Wed

by Gina Ardito

This past weekend, I attended my godson's wedding. There were some lovely moments, touching toasts, and scads of applause for these two young people starting their lives together. What I didn't see or hear was anything worthwhile these newlyweds could carry into their future days. And so, here I am, pushy Aunt Gina, providing the words of wisdom I think these kids in love will need from someone who's been there.

1. Laugh. Not just when things are going right, but more importantly, when things are going wrong. Your Uncle Phil and I have taken photos of the auto mechanics who've fixed our car when we had trouble enroute to vacation spots (and yes, they're in our photo albums so we can still laugh about those incidents). We find humor in the long wait for doctors' appointments, traffic jams, doing the bills together, filing our taxes. Laughter eases stress, lowers blood pressure, and releases pleasure endorphins. Get in the habit of finding the humor in minor inconveniences now, and you'll be prepared for the more serious stress-filled moments later.

2. Touch. Hold hands, rub each other's shoulders, run a finger up and down your partner's arm. And not only as a prelude to sex. Touch when there's nothing else involved but touching. Touch while in a crowded room, in the car, while grocery shopping. Play footsie under the table during dinner in the middle of the week. Touching releases oxytocin, a happy chemical in our bodies.

3. Celebrate. Focus on good things, no matter how small. Compliment each other often--not on looks, but on qualities, actions, and how your partner makes you feel. It takes at least five compliments to appease the hurt of one careless remark. Reinforce the good at all times. 

4. Listen. Talk often, but more importantly, listen to each other. Put down the cellphone, turn off the television and have real, meaningful conversation where you focus solely on each other.

5. Say, "I love you." I know it sounds like a no-brainer, but your goal is to say it at least five times a day. Remember that five compliments thing I mentioned?  And the oxytocin and happy endorphins? Saying "I love you" releases oxytocin and happy endorphins. Saying it five times enforces the feeling when you're not together.

6. Think good things about your partner when you're apart. This way, you'll be eager to see each other again.

7. It's okay to go to bed angry. Sometimes, emotion clouds our judgment and you're both ready to see the compromise after a temporary cease-fire.

8. Share. Share your feelings, share the workload, share secrets, share yourselves.

9. Equal isn't always equal. Often, one partner will give more than the other to the relationship. As long as this giving fluctuates so it's not always one partner giving more than the other, this is actually quite fair.

10. Share common activities but also do things separately. Couples need outside interests to keep themselves from stagnating. Allow your partner to grow to enhance your relationship.

Congratulations, you two! May you rejoice in your happiness, weather your storms, and find a lifetime of love.

Beginning the adventure

Today marks the wedding anniversary for one of my best friends. Not coincidentally, it also marks the beginning of my adventures in romance.

Sue was married on a Thursday, not a convenient day for my parents (who both taught school) or for me (still in school). We had to take half a day off to drive the four hours to where she lived (where we used to live) and where she was being married. As soon as the festivities were at an end, we drove the four hours home to attend classes the next day. Suffice to say, my parents were not pleased.

The fun came when, just before we were to leave, two of the groom's men (each individually) invited me to stay and go with them to a post-celebration celebration. I woulda if I coulda, but the horses under the hood were already champing. I offered my apologies and left, showing up bleary-eyed at classes the next day.

Because Sue lived within blocks of both my grandmothers, we visited near her often. Whenever I planned to be there, I alerted her and she alerted the two young men (again, each individually.) For a time I dated both, though only a few times a year. I liked them both, but one ... oh my.

This isn't the place to detail how the relationship developed or how I lost him to another woman. I will only say that whenever I hear the old Association song, "Along Comes Mary," my associations are different from theirs. The point is, I fell in love. It was young and it was exciting and beautiful and intense--and real. Despite the fact I was little more than a kid, I've now been married long enough to know that I know what love is. I knew it then, too.

The newest man in my life is handsome Oliver Wright, born Thursday morning. He's a romantic hero in the making, and I confess I am smitten.

Winning at love is electrifying, ecstatic, elevating. Losing is the pits. Learning from both is what eventually led me to my lovely, lasting marriage and a beautiful family of my own. Although Sue's husband was military and mine a journalist, causing us both to live in varied places around the world, she and I are still friends, our homes hundreds of miles from where we grew up together and only eight miles apart.

Every March twenty-first, I think of her wedding and all that came after. The beginning of her marriage marked the start of my romantic life and taught me valuable lessons in what it means to love.

Susan Aylworth is the author of 13 published novels and has part in three boxed sets, all 16 titles available now. Mother to seven, she is "gramma" to 24. She lives in northern California with her husband of 44 years and the two spoiled cats they serve and she loves hearing from readers @SusanAylworth, at  www.susanaylworth.com, or susan.aylworth.author@gmail.com. You can also follow her on Pinterest and Instagram.

I'll Marry You...Someday

     When asked to share the story of how my husband proposed, I always answer, “Repeatedly.”

     We were barely kids when we met, 17 and 18 and on the college campus for the first time, each of us scheduled to see the same academic adviser during orientation week. Our appointments were ten minutes apart and scheduled right after lunch. The adviser, perhaps for the only time in his life, was late in arriving and the rest is family history.

     Roger, now my husband of 44 years, made up his mind quickly. I was a bit tougher to persuade. Although I knew how much I cared about him, I was unsure of myself. Was I old enough to be thinking of marriage? I had barely begun dating. I was also unsure of us. Neither of us had ever lived away from home; what did we know about running a household?

     The first time he said, “Marry me,” I said, “Maybe someday” and that was my answer for most of a year. In October of our sophomore year when I said yes, it took a moment for the answer to register. Each of us had begun to believe in the other and in the possibility of “forming a more perfect union,” but we both found the prospect intimidating.

     We were married the following June when I was 19 and he was a month short of his twentieth birthday. His father had to sign a permission slip for us to get our license.

     Do I recommend teen marriage? Not on your life. We made it work and we’re happy with the outcome, but I won’t pretend it was easy. Determined to complete our education, we graduated on the same day. There’s a picture of the two of us in our caps and gowns, a toddler on his lap and a baby bump on mine.

     I eventually went on to earn a graduate degree. We both established careers while at the same time building our family. It worked. Still, when our eighteen-year-old high school senior eldest came to us with the announcement that he and his girlfriend were planning to marry the month after he graduated, we did our best to discourage them. We knew what an uphill battle they were facing. 
     We joke that we raised each other, but it isn't really a joke. Though there were rough times, our bond was real and our commitment solid. One day a few years ago, I was at lunch with girlfriends, both of whom were speaking of "my second husband" or "my third marriage." I told them I had also had three marriages but only one husband; we keep renewing our contract as our lives change.

     This July, our eldest and his bride will celebrate their Silver Anniversary two months after their eldest, at the age of twenty-three, is married to his own young sweetheart. It seems young marriages run in our family and, so far, they’re run very well.
     Maybe we've been lucky. Maybe we've been well tutored; Golden Weddings run in both our families. No, I wouldn't recommend young marriage, but for the right couples, they can be some of the sweetest of all. 

Susan Aylworth is the author of 13 published novels and has part in three boxed sets, all 16 titles available now. Mother to seven, she is "gramma" to 23. She lives in northern California with Roger, her husband of 44 years, and the two spoiled cats they serve. She loves hearing from readers at  www.susanaylworth.com, @SusanAylworth or susan.aylworth.author@gmail.com. You can also follow her on Pinterest and Instagram.

Ah! Weddings.

By

Sandra Wilkins

            The bride is blushing underneath her long filmy veil.  A bouquet of fragrant roses and baby’s breath tremors in her hands as she takes her father’s arm, and tentatively steps down the aisle to the romantic melody of Wagner’s “Bridal Chorus”.  Lovingly, she gazes at the confident, handsome groom as he awaits her arrival to be at her side forever…

            Ah!   Weddings.  They evoke thoughts of beauty for some and maybe angst for others—depending on your point of view.  Some young women go to extremes to have the “perfect” day.  Even to the extent of becoming a “bridezilla” and spending a fortune on that “hallowed” occasion.  Being the extremely practical person I am, I didn’t particularly want all that fuss and fluff when I got married twenty-something years ago.  In the age of big hair and shoulder pads I was going to be a rebel.    

            Simplicity was the key for me.  It began with the gown.  No fancy, frilly concoctions for me.  I wanted a restrained Edwardian style frock.  My mom helped me find a pattern and the creamy off-white material and then my great aunt Dorothy graciously made the dress for me.  I’ll treasure it always. 

            Next were the flowers.  Not one for expensive things, I opted for silk flowers and made the bouquet and boutonnieres myself.  The bouquet is still as pretty today.  My dad’s cousin played the wedding march, my aunt took the photographs, a neighbor made the elegant three-tiered wedding cake (with the topper from my parent’s cake) and my mom made the chocolate grooms cake. 

            It was a personal ceremony in our small church.  All of my grandparents and one great grandmother were still alive to witness the occasion.  The most special part for me was visiting with the friends and family who attended the modest reception.  Simplicity isn’t for everyone, so I’m curious—what kind of wedding did you have? 

     Sandra Wilkins is busy writing another series while home educating her two daughters.  Ada’s Heart, Rose’s Hope and Gwen’s Honor are her first three published wholesome historical romances.  Go to www.sandrawilkins.com to find out more about her and her books. 

  

Having a Family is like running a small Country

My baby boy, son #3, the youngest, has gotten engaged.  I am thrilled that he is marrying his perfect match and also a bit nostalgic.  The event made me think back through the years, and I came to realize that having a family is like running a small country. If not an entire country, then at least a small province inside one. If you think about it, all the required elements are in place.

As the President, I need to balance the budget and occasionally use the concept of deficit spending to cover items acquired by members of the province who did not bother to find out if funds were available before committing. I know how to buy, sell, trade, diversify, borrow, lend, merge, acquire, divest, mediate, arbitrate and intercede.

Pease negotiations? Weekly back in the day.  Someone made off with the new video game; someone can't sit on the recliner because someone else already called dibs, and maybe the most important issue - spy vs. spy "He's looking at me again."  Peace didn't always come easy, but somehow, as President, I managed to achieve intervals of calm through tense dialogue and debate with all affected parties which resulted in a cease fire.

I became a master at negotiating with terrorists (I had three of them) who routinely destroyed possessions in the neighboring provinces (bedrooms). With that, I also had to become a whiz at border disputes (also the bedrooms). I remember being in strategic talks almost weekly concerning and who was allowed inside each bedroom on any given day. I was pretty good at handling that because, coming from smaller and more economically depended states, the envoys from these three sub-provinces brought less to the bargaining table than I did.

Regular press conferences were held to keep the citizens of the sub-provinces informed on what was expected of them.  Questions to which I had no answers were either referred to the Vice President (their father), or received a "no comment" until new data was compiled.

The Red phone, it was actually white back then, was connected to an intricate staff, most of whom has extensive experience in the area of either economy or defense.  For example, the National Guard (mom-mom and pop-pop) were on permanent stand-by status, and were used in cases of extreme emergency. They also turned out to be  the sub-provinces' primary lenders, and seemed to be heavily involved in foreign aid when I cut off all sources of homeland funding.

Other staff members were the Secretary of the Interior - the sales staff at Macy's, Secretary of Agriculture - the cashier at Wegmans, Secretary of Health - family doctor, Secretary of Education - the school principal and Commerce Secretary - me (I shop  a lot).

I also had one of those "Buttons" the are rumored to be in the White House.  It was connected to a black box and covered with a sign that said "Do Not Push Unless All Forms of Peaceful Negotiations Have Failed."  There wasn't anything in it, of course, but I told the Vice President that inside was a one-way ticket to Hawaii and $100,000 in unmarked, non-consecutive bills. I swear there were days when I saw his forefinger hover over that button!!

Somehow we got through all the cold wars, the recessions, the breaks in treaties, periods of tense negotiations on matters of state, and everything else that affects world peace at a scaled down family level, and made it to where we are today. Happy, healthy, and grateful for each other.

So now my last "province" has ceded from the Union and is about to colonize a country of his own.  All I can say is Good Luck and God Bless.  And oh, don't forget, the Motherland would certainly like to see a few new little citizens when the time is right!!!

That's Jarrett and his Bride to Be, Tara,  Not a bad looking couple of Ambassadors from the about to be new Nation of Happily Ever After!!




Kathye Quick, who is preparing to be a MIL for the third time, is in the middle of her nineteenth book.  She writes contemporary romance, historical romance and urban fantasy, and has been known to dabble in humor and non-fiction.